so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
