If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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