How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
