my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
you will always have a special place in my vag
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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