Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
