I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Randomize
