Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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