The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
