I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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