There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
