im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
