My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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