I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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