if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
