every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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