you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
