i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
