the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
