tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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