Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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