your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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