Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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