Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize
