He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
