I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Someone shattered a urinal.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
