p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
