That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
