Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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