Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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