My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
