I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
