Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
