Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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