Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
