I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.