I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.