I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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