my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator