I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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