6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
