just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
