u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
