the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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