you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
