I murdered the dance floor call the cops
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
