Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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