I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
After last night, I could never be a politician.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
