3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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