3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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