he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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