I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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