i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
