I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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