His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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