i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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