i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
