people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
